Walls.

Hey there. It’s been a while, huh?

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve entered this space, spent hours deciphering the thoughts in my head, only to click ‘Save draft’ when I’ve bled my heart dry till I was numb. All those times, confiding in someone who was willing to hold space for me might have been a better solution. My life experiences have proven to me time & again that my heart heals best with human touch, but I’ve been so comfortable with solitude that I choose not to. & it is upon the foundation of this sweet solitude that I’ve constructed my safe haven, which unfortunately took the form of a mansion guarded by high walls. These walls aren’t meant to keep me in, though — they were meant to keep people out.

Some people wait on the other side patiently with flowers, promises of a genuine friendship & redeeming qualities. Others line up against these same walls with hammers, inflated egos & ticking time bombs of toxic tendencies. Of course, everyone has the capacity to be toxic (including me) but not everyone possesses the awareness & grit to want to transcend that. For the patient ones, they learn their way around my walls, more than I allow them to sometimes. For the hasty ones, they barely even make the cut. The need to constantly be on my toes when it comes to who I let in gets exhausting & it’s upon these walls that I lean on whenever I needed to rest. It gets to the point where I feel like I may be better off alone.

“If we want the full rewards of being loved, we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.”

Tim Kreider

& that’s the problem — I don’t want to be known. However, the resistance towards forging new friendships is much lower as compared to courting someone. So every single time someone tries to matchmake me with a potential candidate, I can’t help but think “Sigh. Here we go again..”. Each this happens, I try to find it within me to recalibrate my mindset towards courtship & set the right intentions (after taking one heck of a deep breath because this sis is a little rusty when it comes to anything romance-related). Surprisingly, the few failed attempts of matchmaking had minimal impact on me. Well, it’s partially because I called the shots & decided that I wasn’t interested as soon as I was sure that compatibility was lacking. It was over even before the attachment grew. But what happens when I meet my match? The only thing I know is that I’ll be in deep trouble.

I watch my walls tremble slightly under the tremor of an unexpected stirring in my heartstrings. The discomfort of unraveling the threads of my being that I’ve wound up so tightly around myself is suffocating, especially because I’m uncertain if the subject of my affection will find anything that is deserving of his. The attachment is running deeper than I’d care to admit, though I’m holding myself back because even though he scores higher (actually the highest, but I don’t really want to admit that so here I am writing it in parentheses instead) in the compatibility aspect, there’s so much that I still need to figure out. & so, I pull the reins on my emotions to let my head govern my decisions.

If this doesn’t end well, it’s going to hurt. Well, at least I’ve been graced with the bliss of loving after all this time, though I may be torn over its brevity.

In trouble, indeed I am.