Changes.

They say change is the only constant, but some changes are simply…untimely. If it happens too early, it becomes a loose end. If it happens too late, it becomes a bridge to burn. Either way, change has a way of evoking a sense of regret, & sometimes even resentment.

My father became estranged from me early in my life, & tried to salvage the remnants of the relationship when I became closed off to the idea of ever being loved by a father-figure. He became a loose end, a blur silhouette of everything I have ever hoped for that I continued to chase as a kid. Then, so much time passed with him being gone that he seemed unreal. I watched that blur silhouette morph, taking shape of every demon in my head. They chased me for the longest time, hiding in every dark corner of my being. Being angry was easier than being sad. So I tied up all the loose ends & burnt the ropes. Or so, I thought.

I was given a choice between a job that pays well with odd working hours & one that does not pay half as much with regular hours. Naturally, I chose the latter thinking that my priority to be minimally self-sufficient would be my focus for a few years, especially since covid-19 dimmed my career prospects. Perhaps I was hasty in accepting the job offer, because my priorities were shifted less than a year later. I find myself becoming the sole breadwinner of the household in addition to saving up for future plans which I would really love to manifest. I’m comfortable where I am & it’s easy to stay, but things are financially tight. I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a day that goes by without me being worried about our finances.  

Friendships ended prematurely while some ended way before it was over. Some of their birthdays remain imprinted in my mind while I will myself to forget some of the rest. It’s a shame that the pain of a friendship being severed isn’t as talked about as much as compared to the anguish of losing a lover. As much as I wanted to be there with them at every step of the way, I had to accept that my part in their story was & it was time for me to go.

Do I still blame unfortunate timing for the loss of friendships so dear to me? Because there were some days when I thought it would’ve worked out if they had been more merciful, more understanding, cared more, fought for me a little more, put in a bit more effort for me…and the list went on & on. There’s something about the way my insides ache when I remember their claims of how important I was to them, only to have them disappear when I need them most. Someone once said, when a loved one passes away, you grieve over two losses – the loss of your loved one & the loss of friendships. I guess no one would truly understand how a death of a parent really affects them & how valuable the constant support from close ones really is till they’ve experienced it for themselves. I just hope that their recovery from such heart-wrenching grief wouldn’t be as lonely as mine. No one deserves to go through that.        

Financially, I’m gradually finding my footing as I put in the work to better my circumstances. Naturally, it is met with its own set of challenges. Uncertainty is one of them. So much is at stake here, & I’m so scared of everything that could possibly go wrong. But I draw strength from the intentions I’ve planted deep in my heart when I made all those decisions. I draw strength from the prayers, love & support of those who truly matter. I draw strength from His promise that every difficulty will be accompanied by ease. I draw strength from the realisation that nothing is actually a tad too early or a little too late – He has been guiding me the whole way through, providing me with whatever I need when He thinks I am ready for it. Sure, I ran into what seemed like roadblocks & dead ends, but He has also willed for me to find love & happiness at every other corner. Things feel a little hard right now, but I’ve never been happier.

My father passed away in February. I think I’ve made peace with the fact that his absence taught me more about the role & significance of a father rather than his presence. I’ve made peace with the fact that in someone else’s story, we are the villains who left him on his deathbed. Lies have speed, but the truth has endurance. More importantly, everything that he did & did not do has been forgiven. All I wish to do is move on. Maybe I’ll occasionally grieve over the father I never had & the destructive habits I have yet to unlearn. & the thing about grief is when it hits you, it demands to be heard. I have not found a way to grieve quietly, so I’ll continue to talk about it till it gets better. Till I get better. Because what is grief, if not love persevering?