‘Zero O’Clock’

“Will something be different?
It won’t be different just like that
But this day will be over.
When the minute & second hands overlap
The world holds its breath for a little while
At zero o’clock.”

Certain things, despite continuous attempts to overcome them, will remain as trials as long as you live this life ⁠— like family. I was 6/7 years old when my father taught me the rules of chess. Hanging onto every his every word, I repeated everything he said to myself as I arranged my chess pieces on the board, eager to win my very first match against him. Leniency was never a strong trait of his, even when he was in his better moods. He beat me once. Twice. Thrice. I couldn’t believe that I lost. Three times at that. Losing was an emotion I couldn’t quite comprehend at that age. All I knew was that it sucks to be on the losing side. Then, he briefly instructed me to clean up while getting up to leave. From then on, I kept at it almost everyday, hoping that I would be as good as my father. Hoping that I could beat him some day.

“Checkmate. When will you ever beat me at this game, my daughter?”

The number of matches I played against my father escapes me. Did I eventually beat him, though? I never did. Even though I told him to wait for the day that I would when he teasingly asked me that question, it never happened. This was before I knew that our good days together were numbered. Before I knew how his recklessness would cost him his family. Before I knew that I would never touch the chess board ever again in my life the moment he became the first man to break my heart.

All those years leading up to my parents’ separation was tumultuous, & the last 6 years after it hasn’t been peaceful either. He kept resurfacing & tried reaching out to us because he was in some sort of difficulty. If he simply reached out to us & told us he was in trouble, it would’ve been acceptable. Instead, he engages in one of his many typical mind games to provoke a reaction out of us, which I hate. I hate it so much. Especially when he claims righteousness to his acts when the fact of the matter is that he has deviated so far from the shores of reason. Perhaps the real question here is, when are you ever going to stop playing your games, father? No matter what I do, I’ll always be on the losing end. & tell me, how does victory taste like when it is at the expense of your own flesh & blood? Because right now, visible stains of the deed on your hands have faded yet you keep scrubbing it clean.

Other times, it was because he misses us. I don’t believe him when he says that anymore. I’ve stopped believing him a long time ago. When it comes to him, I’ve lost all compassion. My heart has hardened, depriving me of the ability to be emotionally invested in anything that remotely involves him. Whenever I indulge in wishful thinking, I’ve always wished for a father figure but it has never crossed my mind to wish for that space to be occupied by him.

No family is perfect. I’ve accepted that fact about mine, though I’m still trying to internalise this when it comes to that of others because it seems as if having a nuclear family makes life a little easier to live. No matter how exhausting the day was, I hold my head up high as the clock strikes 12, knowing that I fought hard to live another day. We’ve been putting out one fire at a time, just to discover another uncontrollable fire, leaving a wake of irreparable destruction in its wake. Life is tiring, isn’t it? We fight to hold on & we fight to let go. Tapi Allah da kata yang Dia telah menciptakan manusia dalam keadaan susah payah, kan? (But didn’t God already revealed that mankind was created in constant hardship?) [90:4] Maybe the art of living is to hold on with the grit He has lent to us & to let go with grace He has bestowed within us.

& in case nobody told you yet, I think you did well today 🙂 now, it’s time to rest your tired little heart. This too shall pass.

“I hold my breath for a brief moment
& give myself a pat today.

I’ll turn this all around
When everything renews
At zero o’clock.”

– Zero o’clock, BTS